Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Sightings and observations today

Coming across something strange or uncommon during your day is usually rare but today however, I experienced an eye full.  I'll go in order of experience. 

#1.  What I saw this morning on my way to school is something I can never unsee. Something that makes me lose a few more points of hope in humanity. I shudder and cringe and curse the shear ignorance at my sighting.  I had a long drive to school this morning. I had been at my sister in laws house way down south keeping eye on my niece and nephews. Left their house with 2 hours to spare, hopefully enough to get me there in time.  I decided I should stop for breakfast to help my tired eyes wake.  Pulled into the parking lot of a large gas station with a McDonalds.  As soon as I pulled in, by the main road there is a car parked.  This car is parked far from the actual buildings.  Based on the actions of the people involved, it's now clear they were looking for some umm..shall I say privacy. And what should my wandering eyes see? A couple engaged in...well I'm sure you've guessed by now. My eyes had to do a double take. Not because of the naked flesh frolicking about hoping to catch a better glimpse, but to make sure my brain wasn't playing any horrible tricks on me. Nope, I was terribly right. I saw exactly what I thought I saw. Two children in the backseat. Both fast asleep, thank goodness, but still there none the less.  I said it out loud then and still saying it now, pardon my French, 

Having just registered and it really clicked what I saw, I had to notify the authorities. I go inside and right away the clerk at the desk ask if those people are still out there.  Good. Glad I'm not the only one.  They had already called the police and we're waiting for them to arrive to break up their little rendezvous. Let's just all hope those poor children didn't actually witness anything. Disgusting.  I was wide awake by then. 

#2.  Made it to school on time. I have seen this guy around campus before.  I don't know anything about him but today I learned about a tiny fraction of his life simply through observation.  He is without legs. He gets around via a Segway and have even seen him with prosthetic legs and crutches.  Today, I saw him moving up fast behind some slow walkers.  Clearly annoyed by those in the fast lane but who should really be on the access road, I hear him say, "move over out of the way or lose it like I did". A good sense of humor.  Still doesn't tell me what happened to this guy, but I can say its obvious he has and won't let anything ever get in his way. Always with his head held high, An inspiration for sure. 

#3. After my first class, I stopped off at the ladies room.  I take care of business, come out to wash my hands and Im immediately greeted with some girl wearing what is laughingly called a skirt around her waist and her buttocks exposed, primping herself in the mirror.  Is it Halloween already or did I just teleport to a gentlemen's club?  

Oh right!  I'm at school. Perfectly acceptable place to wear such attire.  My bra is bigger than this piece of so called clothing. Either that speaks volumes on my behalf or hers. Your choice.  Get it together girl.  You'll never get anywhere in life if your main concern at school is picking up men instead of getting your education on.  

#4.  I've seen my fair share of pimped out cars.  We're never short of that in the Alamo city. Most are of certain makes and models. Most of you already have a thought as to the kind of vehicle I'm about to describe.  Flashy rims, sparkly paint job with lots of extras all around.  Fur lined dash with matching seat covers and fuzzy dice on the mirror. Oh how I wish I could have gotten my phone out fast enough to take a pic of this one.  It was a smart car.   Yeah, those tiny little things with wheels that look just like this. Minus the toddler. 

So keep your eyes peeled folks and you might be lucky enough to see this wonder for yourself. You'll think Mr. Flashy Pimp the Clown is in town. But I assure you not. No need to rush to make your party reservations so fast. It's just his little brother with his sensible and environmentally economical car. 

#5. And then....lucky me! I can finally cross an item off on my bucket list of things to see. 
I've only waited almost 33 years to see this badboy in person! Sweet!  Looks like it was headed to fiesta.  Right along with the rest if the other wieners that were on the road. 

#6. Last but certainly not least. The mail I received.  Along with a couple of bills and junk mail I get one of those dreaded chain letters.  Sad there was no return name or address so I could publicly call out this moron to everybody.  But lucky me right? I'm about to be rich! 
Sounds enticing!  Who wouldn't wanna make that kind of dough. And Oprah never lies!  Ahh...here's where it gets you.
See that right there? Yeah. That ensures you'll never be left alone again by scammers. Ever. Unless you legally change your name, move and get a full body reconstruction. 
Right *insert eye roll*. Just like eating a dozen doughnuts is perfectly healthy for you.  

So how does this baby work. Easy. You just mail one dollar to each of the 6 names enclosed. Notify this company you want to be added to mailing list, request a list of 200 names of the other schmucks who fell for this. Send them all a copy. Wait. And voila! Bada bing, bada bang, bada boom...you're rich!  Do this a few times you'll have enough money to rub elbows with Jay Z himself. All in the comfort of your yoga pants. 

So let me break it all down. 

-send your initial dollar to the first 6 names you have. Total includes cost of postage stamp at .49 cents each. 


-contact "company", purchase name list with 200 addresses.


-photo copy 200 copies of six page letter. Let's just utilize the library copier at .10 cents a pop. 1200 pieces of paper. 


-now you'll need envelopes. I found a box of business sized envelopes on Amazon. $6.98 per 100. 200 envelopes. 


-can't forget your stamps now. 200 of them. 


Your total out of pocket, up front "investment", only $285.45.

Next months car payment. That can wait though because come this time two months from now I'm gonna be wiping my bum with 100's. 

I really feel sorry for anyone that falls victim to this crap. If getting rich was this easy, no one in the US would be shopping at Walmart no more. We'd be an economy full Louis Vuitton carrying, Prada wearing,  champagne wishes and caviar dreaming folks. 

What a day! 


Saturday, February 22, 2014

I'm still just Morgan.

I have had three days now to reflect about what happened a few days ago.  I've cried, I've patted myself on the back and I have had a nightmare.   Ive been feeling extremely emotional about it and I keep feeling like my nerves are still trying to settle themselves.  I've been getting nothing by praise for my actions. All appreciated by the way.   But the word hero keeps coming up.  It's a strange title to have placed upon oneself. And I think of it more as I was simply doing something I would hope any person would do in that situation if they could. But I'd like to share what my brain has processed from this. 

For a long time I have felt that I had a calling to work in the medical field. Working at an urgent care clinic originally was my first step. Working there I only saw minor emergencies.  I can help fix a broke bone, place stitches without ease, and work quickly to send the critical care patients to the hospital by prepping them with oxygen, IV's, and administer medication as needed.  That's it.  But it was mostly sickness I saw. Countless strep tests, flu tests and testing urine samples.  The easy stuff so to speak.  One night after I just started working there, I had to leave the clinic for something and on my way back I witnessed a pretty bad accident happen right in front of me. I jump out immediately to help. The man that was driving was unconscious and unresponsive. His wife, the passenger, said right before they crashed he told her he didn't feel right and was having chest pains.  I pulled him from the car and pulled him onto the ground. No pulse, not breathing and no heartbeat. Luckily for me, a doctor who just got off of his shift at the local hospital was driving by and got out to help. Together we administered CPR until the paramedics arrived. They ended up using the defibrillator to help and continued their efforts. I have no idea what ever happened with this man. If he made it or passed on.  Whatever the outcome was I felt I did the best job I could and the rest was placed in someone else's hands.  

Being a paramedic was my next choice. But getting that done didn't work out after all.  And honesty I really could never picture myself being a nurse.  So after much research and time I decided to go into criminal justice with a forensic focus.  

Having the experience I did a few days ago made something crystal clear to me. Emergency medicine is not for me.  Although I am grateful and proud of what I did for that little girl, I never want that feeling again. I don't want the responsibility, so to speak, of another persons life in my hands.  Not every person that needs life saving efforts survive.  I work my best under pressure and I can get the job done. But  I am an emotional person by nature and I know that having that feeling constantly would wear on me and I would eventually lose 
Myself in the "what if" thoughts too often. Which would change me into someone I would not want to be. I need to keep my head sane for my sake and for my husband and kids sake.  

I've been dealing with a tremendous amount of stress lately and it was all on personal levels and I really felt like I needed some kind of release that was on someone else's terms. It's hard for me to explain, but I felt like I needed to know that I'm not alone with my stress and anxieties.  That someone else out there, with their struggles could somehow help me. It came in a form that I least expected. I never thought while getting ready for my day on Thursday what would come to me that day.  I'll never forget that few moments where this precious baby girl kept constant eye contact with me and squeezed my hand in her way of telling me thank you. It will forever be with me.  But like I was saying, I don't ever want to have that burden on my shoulders again when it's a matter of life or death.  I have in the past and I will in the future step up and help anyone in need, that will never change, I'm just mostly saying I don't want to make a career out of it.  

The living scare me.  You never know what's going to happen.   The dead however,  have a story to tell and I want to be able to help tell that story so the soul can truly rest in peace. 

This all could just be ramblings of a crazy chick but to me, my soul is guiding me in the right direction and got me there by the most unexpected way.  

Thursday, February 13, 2014

My thoughts on being back in school

Some thoughts and observations about my second time back in college at my 'advanced age'. 

1.  College back in 1999 seemed more personal in a different sense than it is today.  The advancement of the internet is where that change comes from.  When registering for classes way back when, it was handwritten or done over the telephone with an automated system.  It was easy.  Applications, federal student aid applications, advisor communications was all done via telephone or in person.  I'm not internet stupid, but I'm not exactly a genius.  This website for school is kind of confusing.  So I had a hard time registering and applying for everything.  Everything regarding homework, syllabus, reviews etc. is all found online.  Makes it more convenient for most people but I like organizing actual papers.  I guess I'm just use to the way stuff was done when I was in school in the 90's.  All paper.  

2.  There is a wonderfully diverse populace at this campus.  It's pretty awesome.  But it's also obvious I am older than a good majority of these other students.  I'm finding it a bit harder to fit in.  About 90% of my classmates I have spoken to just graduated from high school. So I feel like I have nothing in common with an 18 yr who most likely still lives with mom and dad and hasn't yet experienced "the real world".  And I'm not talking about that ridiculous joke of a show on MTV.  I'm talking about having a job, paying bills, providing and supporting a family, raising kids....all on your own. With out mommy and daddy.  

3.  I have also discovered that cliques still exist.  I don't really expect that to ever go away but didn't think it would be as prevelant as it was in high school.  I've located the girls that seem materialistic. Designer everything!  High fashion clothing I would expect to see more at a work place or nightclub and not school.  Did you know that D&D groups are still out there?  I know right...I'm still shocked by that one.  Oh and Magic also.  There are the loners, the high achievers,  artsy fartsy, skater/punk kids, athletes, brainiacs and the "no one ever understands me" group.  I'm having a hard time finding the stay at home, 30 something second time college student moms.  

4.  I've also been enlightened the new ways these youngins flirt these days.  Strange.  It's perfectly acceptable to just nod a hello to someone because you have headphones in rather than actually say hello.  Gossip is still reallll big in a school setting,  and if you ask really nicely to one of the persons in the cafeteria, they will make you a sandwich that isn't already made and wrapped up front for sale.  And it is still an amazing feeling to see smiley faces and comments on my papers at this age as it was in elementary school.  

5.  Walking to and from your car onto campus and back sucks just as much now as it did then.  Textbooks and supplies aren't exactly the lightest thing to trek around with on your back.  

But the most important thing I have learned so far is that I really can do this.  I may talk a big game but I was obviously just playing down how I really felt.  I was having doubts about doing this and wondering if I was really make the best decision.  This year marks 15 years since high school.  15.  But I think having the maturity, knowledge and determination at this age to work hard and focus is the difference between now and then.  I had a chance (which I didn't think was possible still) to see my grades from my first go around.  It was pretty embarrassing.  I know I'm tooting my horn pretty damn early.  I'm in my first semester but already have maintained a 100 average in 2 classes and 92 in the one I was afraid of most.  It feels good.  Good enough to keep me pushing and keep me wanting to challenge myself. I will finish this.  I will graduate. And I will finally feel proud of myself for doing something I didn't think I really could do.  This is big for me.  Not just on an educational/career level but on a personal level.  I'm afraid I tend to be that kind of person that gives up when things get too hard.  Something I have only recently started to acknowledge.  What better way to prove myself wrong.  

Monday, February 3, 2014

The life of The Pawlik toddler boy

Riley was a very easy going, laid back, chill out kind of baby and toddler. I never had cabinet locks, gates to keep her out of certain rooms, doorknob locks, light socket protectors or any other child proof safety gear.  She didn't find scissors and insist on playing with them or run with a screwdriver to try and 'fix' something.  She didn't lick batteries and she didn't climb into the dryer and insist for me to turn it on. She was easy peasy.   

As most of you know by now, Corbin had to get stitches this weekend on his forehead.  This of course follows countless goose eggs on his head, a busted lip, and unexplained bruises everywhere ever since he could walk.  It's so strange to see how different they have been.  Although I should point out that when Riley was two she did fall and hit her eye hard enough to cause the tiniest of fracture of the occipital bone (the eye socket) and had a pretty gnarly black eye for weeks but other than that I never felt concerned about her safety while playing. She seemed to be so cautious of things around her and wouldn't dare jump off the sofa or run full speed into a glass wall head first. Corbin did that one.  And even more importantly, she never poo painted! I shouldn't have to use two hands to count the number of times that has happened here. I guess part of my point is is that she actually listened and obeyed me when I told her "No, don't do that please". I feel like I'm speaking an alien language when that phrase is said to Corbin because he continues on no matter what. I think he is hearing "Sure son, it's perfectly ok to take that knife and chase the dog. Have fun!" 

I've been finding gray hairs lately. Is it caused by my advancing of age? Doubtful.  Some  might say that's just denial. But I'm certain it's because this rambunctious boy seems to enjoy getting himself in situations. Poison control has been called 3 times already.  As recently as this past Thursday. So FYI, liquid dishwasher soap just induces vomiting and diarrhea and you should push fluids and crackers to help with that one.  Gray hair= Corbin's curiosity and no fear attitude. So gray hairs from aging, I say pfft! 

My little Frankenstein seems to be handling this situation pretty well and doesn't bother to notice the stitches until it's time for me to put on a little medicine and change his bandaid. You would think I'm sewing him up all over again. I could bench press more than this kid but he can wiggle his little 35lb body out of anything that restricts him. I'd be helpless in that situation myself.  

Just another day in the life of a young Pawlik boy.  Let's just hope for the sake of my nerves, I can at least get him to the age of 18 with all of his fingers and toes still intact and functioning properly. 

Friday, January 3, 2014

13 Years

For 13 years I have loved someone like no other and will never love someone ever the same.  I have learned some of my most valued and precious lessons of life from her.  I have never known someone who has shown me such genuine strength and determination like she has.  I have never laid my eyes upon anything quite as beautiful as she.  My ears have never heard anything sweeter and my arms feel so much warmth and kindness never felt by any other.  

I was 19 when I met her.  I was a terrible nervous wreck.  I wasn't prepared for anything that was yet to come.   I was overwhelmed, anxious, scared and excited all at the same moment.  So tiny she was.  I'd seen puppies bigger than her.  My heart nearly ripped in two from the immense love I already had for her.  I didn't even know anything about her and yet I knew with all my being that she would forever have my heart.   It was extremely emotional seeing her in that state.  Breathing tube, heart monitor, oxygen monitor and more IV lines than there are electrical cords dangling from my TV.  I had convinced myself that my time was going to be short with her so I had better make the best of that time.  

No one knew it then but I was preparing myself for the worst scenario.  I was preparing myself for something no parent should ever prepared themselves for.  I was planning a funeral in my head for my baby girl.  Where in the world would I find a pretty dress small enough to fit her?  Do they really make caskets this small?  I knew she was getting all the best care in the world but how could something this tiny and fragile possibly make it?  How could an infant weighing only One pound and fifteen ounces survive? She wasn't suppose to be born for another 12 weeks.  But here she is.   This delicate little being is mine.  

As the days went by, she got stronger and she gained weight.  She was proving me wrong everyday.  She had no major medical issues.  No surgeries to go through with.  No extreme measures to be taken to save her life.  She was just living.   

So here I am reflecting back on this very moment 13 years ago.   The moment when she came into my life.  The moment where nothing made sense and life would never be the same but true love found its way into my soul.  I'm so overjoyed and proud that she is mine.   I can never fully express to her the love I have, for there are no words to describe it.   It's only a feeling like no other.  Maybe she'll have the same one day with her own children. 

So today is not only a celebration from childhood to teenage years with birthday cake and presents.  It's a celebration of life.   Something I thought I may never have seen.  13 years of nothing but amazement and delight.  13 years of laughter, smile, hugs and kisses.  Things I will never take for granted.  

Happy 13th Birthday to my precious baby girl Riley Michelle 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 year end review

Seems only necessary to make a post to recap 2013.  It has been a fairly decent year. I'm hoping to make 2014 even better.  

We started off the year with Riley's 12th Birthday.  Her last year as a "kid".  Her last year of child admission.  It's been amazing and scary to see how much she has grown and matured this past year. My baby girl isn't a baby anymore. She is now a young woman. And beautiful!  She started 7th grade and it has proven to be a difficult school year for her so far as far as academics.  She seems to be a state of "stuck".  Really hoping things turn around for her this second half coming up.  Also put a shiny pair of braces on to finally finish her orthodontics out. 

We celebrated Corbin's 2nd birthday!  Time is really flying by. I still feel like he should be an infant. Not this little toddler with a growing personality. Oh the joy I get from him is just tremendous. Never a dull moment that's for sure. 

We had an amazing summer and were pleased to be able to take Riley on her first "real" vacation.  

Ramsey and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Being married isn't easy but it's nice to have someone share my life with. All marriages have their ups and downs but the ride is just part of the journey.  And I love the thrill of it all. 

Ramsey is so happy to be back at rackspace again.  He is working with a great team of guys and is really making some long lasting friendships.  It's pretty darn stressful for him but I think he actually likes the challenge even if he won't admit it. He is an intelligent man and he's the kind of personality that needs stimulation to keep him sharp.  

As for me, I made a long overdue decision to head back to college.  I have my Medical Assistant certificate and grateful for the time I did that job and the things I learned but deep down I felt it just wasn't right for me. I couldn't help but have this nagging feeling that I have not been living up to my full potential. That I have sold myself short.  In short, I will be starting classes in about 3 weeks and am really looking forward to it. Nervous but excited.  It's been almost 15 years since high school.  

And last but certainly not least we welcomed a new family memeber. Stanley, the black headed parrot.   I have wanted a bird for years and was just over the moon when Ramsey surprised me. I still am.  He is a very sweet and playful bird and thinks he makes a great new pet for our family. Nothing like a noisy toddler and noisy parrot! 

So I bid 2013 farewell and welcome all that is waiting for me in 2014.  Happy New Years friends and family.  See you next year. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

A lifetime of friendships

It's been awhile since my last post. I guess there wasn't much going through my thoughts worth sharing.  But yesterday marked an anniversary for me. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I remember dates and numbers with ease.  The anniversary I am speaking of is something that was and still is bittersweet. 

I remember 10 years ago having my life almost planned out. Who would be with me till I'm old and gray. Who would be with me to help me though menopause and retirement.  Who would help me celebrate the graduations and marriages of my children and grandchildren to come.  Most people would assume I would be talking about my spouse. But I'm not. I'm talking about a best friend. 

I've had plenty of "best friends" during my life time. And each and every one of them have given me such wonderful memories. Enough to fill a book. But distance, time and getting older has turned those once close relationships into nothing more than aquaintances. Getting a chance to meet up with those people however makes time cease. It's like no time has passed at all.  We pick up right where we left off. Because that close bond once shared is still there. It's just not used on a daily basis as it used to.  

So back to the anniversary. Yesterday marked 4 years since the last time I saw my 'last' best friend.  This departure of ways has been different than all the others.  This was a voluntary separation on my part. Without giving away any details or specifics obviously, it was a horribly painful decision to make.  One I am still struggling with to accept.  Would this person still be in my life if I had decided not to distance myself despite unapproving of the choices that that person was making? I'm not so sure.  And that is what is the most difficult for me to accept.  Because this person I thought that I had shared the deepest bond with chose not to contact me any longer.   I decided to keep my decision as to why to myself, so this person had no idea why I stopped communication. But they ceased communication also.   So I am left with nothing more than to ponder what really happened. And all I can come to conclude is that life never really goes the way you planned for it to go. 

That separation not only affected me but also affected my daughter. As she was best friends and very close with this persons oldest daughter. She still asks me today if she will ever see her again. And she tells me that she misses her terribly. I feel guilt and I feel sadness for her. 

How different would my life be if I decided to not to separate myself? Would I know the person I call today my best friend? And would my daughter find another childhood best friend with this new friendship?  Probably not.  Although I am still hurt by this falling out, I am also thankful for what it has brought me today.  I will always cherish the memories and times I had with that person and just have to accept the fact that life has taken us on different courses.  I wish and hope nothing but the very best for her and her beautiful girls.  Maybe someday we will cross paths again.  

So for the time being all I can do is live in this moment and live the life that is in my present. I have an awesomely wonderful best friend and my daughter now has another equally awesome best friend.  I have a home,  a wonderful in-law family and husband who works hard to support and provide for us. I have the things in life that are important and I can't hold onto the past.  So it's nothing more than a work in progress. It's hard to let go of what used to be. But embracing what is now is so much more rewarding.